Lifes Realizations

I hope I went long enough without writing, that no one reads this blog. It's more just about me putting some thoughts down that I've been feeling today. I read a book for bookclub that was written in Diary form. And the question was asked at bookclub...Would someone get a true sense for who you are by the way that you write?

Life realization #1: I don't believe that they would...Why? Because I tend to talk or write about bad spots in my life and don't open my journal often enough when things are going good. So most likely those reading my journals or blogs will think I am more negative. Actually, to be honest to myself and to you, I have been pretty negative most of my life. I hope that is not as much the case lately, but I still tip in the negative direction more so than the positive. I will try to start writing about the good days as well as the bad. When I write, I tend to shorten my sentences and stories to just the facts so I don't bore my readers to tears; but as I read back, I find it pretty boring actually, because I didn't express my feelings and emotions about what was happening. I will make a resolve today, to 1) write more often, that way I will be writing on good days as well as not so good days and it is easier to expand on the emotion of what's happening or to explain the emotion when I'm not trying to catch up on a years worth of events, and 2) put more thought and feeling into what I write.
For example...I was talking with a friend last night and remembering those early mornings when we got up to go swimming at 6:30 am. Sounds early, I know, but actually we swam in an outdoor pool and it was the absolute best time to go. The air temperature was still crisp, but the water was warm, so there was a soft mist floating on the water, and the sun was barely rising and glowing on the water. It was absolutely beautiful and peaceful to be out swimming at that time of the day. I never wrote about that in my journal, but I remember it every time I think about swimming in an outdoor pool. So I should have.
I remember one Sunday afternoon when it was pouring and thundering and lightning outside. I LOVE thunder and lightning storms. I went out and sat on the porch and watched and listened to the rain and the thunder pounding. It was a bit chilly so I grabbed a blanket and just sat on the porch (no chair) and loved every minute of it. I never write about stuff like that. But I'm going to start realizing these little moments that I love and that make me happy. Those are the times I want to remember.

Life realization #2:
I should have been on the Seinfield show. I am a person that talks about nothing. Or I like to think of it as everything. And anything. I could talk someones ear off if they'd let me.
But most of the time I don't because I believe that nobody really cares. It's all non-sense. In a one-on-one situation I'm better, but get me in a group and you'll barely hear two words out of me. Call it insecurities. Call it fears. Maybe it's social anxiety. I don't know exactly what it is, but I know that it bothers me. It always has.
I'm not a person void of issues for sure! But I have felt over the last year or so that my hard work to change who I was to be a better person has paid off and I am a different person than I used to be, say...10 years ago.
I've overcome some fears. I've tried (and done) so many things that I never thought I would ever do. And I can't discount the changes that I've made. I truly am a different person, and I believe it's for the better. But I realized last night, that I still allow fear to dictate my actions.
There was a group activity a week or so ago I really wanted to go to, but I didn't have anyone to go with. I would have known a lot of the people there, if not most of them, but I was still too afraid to show up by myself. But the whole night I really wished I were there. Then there was another activity last night and I didn't have anyone to go with. And when I say no one, I usually mean someone single that wants to hang out with me. I assume the married couples will go with their own families. Anyway...I decided that I would go anyway because I knew I would regret not going and wish I were there the whole night. So I went. It was fine, but I felt like my fear was confirmed. I didn't feel like I fit anywhere. Sure I knew people, but I didn't feel like I could just walk up to people and feel like I truly belonged in their group.
I think my realization was that I don't know how to be that good friend. I don't blame it on those who were there. I blame me. I don't feel like I know how to carry on a conversation with people. I'm not in the same life situations as most people, so I really don't know how to relate to them.
There were a couple of people who acted like they were glad I was there and wanted to talk to me. But really I think it's more about me learning how to be that person I think everyone else is. I think everyone else is secure and can just go carry on a conversation with anyone. And I believe that everyone wants to talk to them if they tried to carry on a conversation with them. But when it comes to me, I feel like most people don't really care one way or another.
I want to be the person that is comfortable around anyone. That can talk to anyone. That if I sit down, people want to come talk to me. I'm going to be honest. As sad as this sounds, I am a TON better than I used to be. Ten years ago, I would have just hid in my house and stayed by myself. Hated it, but done it. I have to see the positive changes and at least recognize that I am trying to participate and be a part of things.
I remember one time that a girl in my neighborhood was planning a movie night and invited a bunch of people to go, and I was the only one that could go that particular night. She changed it so more people could go and then once again it was just the two of us who could end up going. She said she would still love to go, but would understand if I wanted to wait for others to come too. I won't lie. I was scared out of my wits to go, because I felt like she'd be disappointed that it was me she ended up going with. But she seemed totally excited to go with just me.
I've made comments about doing things and a couple of people always say, I'll totally go hang out with you. Let's doing something sometime. Why don't I believe they mean it? I'm sure they do...I just have a hard time believing they'd want to hang out with me.
Anyway, my realization is that I still have to work on this and even though I'm way beyond where I used to be (how pathetic), I still want to improve it more!
I wish I could be a fly on certain peoples shoulders and go everywhere with them (preferrably without them knowing) so I can observe and learn from them. They're the ones I gravitate to. But they're always the ones who are doing the planning and the including and the welcoming and the talking. And that's what scares me the most! That I'll plan something and no one will come.
How do I undo bad thinking and believe good??